My Upcoming Project: Creation itself

I have a new project underway. A personal one that is.

The creation of life itself.

You guessed it I’m pregnant.

I wasn’t going to announce it so publicly, at least not for a while but I feel it is an integral part of where I’m at in life, as an Artist, and as a business owner. I have almost disappeared in the quiet of my thoughts for the last 3 months, going through quite an emotional time. 

I am beyond grateful for this opportunity in life, taking on with grace and wholehearted appreciation but to say it hasn’t been a rollercoaster would be complete denial. I am especially grateful because for years I struggled with balancing my hormones, I’ve had terrible pain from fibroids, I’ve tried different herbs, exercises, I’ve changed my diet, gone to acupuncture, I’ve done it all within my resources to reclaim my health and fertility having no idea where I stood in conceiving a baby. And out of nowhere it appeared, a positive pregnancy result. 

I went through every emotion all at once, first overjoyed, then excited, to concern, overwhelming fear, and of course anxiety, every thought rushing into my mind like a flood. This was the end of November. And so the start of the crazy holiday season began and with it my desire to do anything diminished. I canceled events, I stopped creating, I shut off emotionally. I hadn’t felt this low in a very long time. I’ve struggled with depression throughout my life, much of it a byproduct of my heavy and traumatic upbringing. I have dealt with it using a few techniques such as journaling, walking, and meditation. This time it was different. Not only did I feel depressed but I was also suffering from the usual physical symptoms such as morning sickness and fatigue making it almost impossible to do my usual routine, let alone create in my studio. 

Every day I questioned my future as an Artist, I pondered my purpose, I felt alone and scared knowing I couldn’t tell many people what I was going through. But most of all I felt deep shame for feeling this way in the first place. How dare I complain about these inconveniences when I had the opportunity to create life, unlike countless women that try in agony with no luck, treatment after treatment, months turning into years. That’s all I could think of.

Each thought dragged me into a spiral of guilt and shame and I felt like all I knew, all I practiced as a way to heal myself was completely and utterly meaningless. I felt guilty for not being my usual self, for barely doing the basics, for not being a reliable wife or partner, for not contributing to the household, I felt useless, I felt like a burden. Each week felt heavier than the next, when would this feeling end? I thought to myself each and every morning.

The one thing that helped guide me out of the darkness was my partner Mark. He was the support I needed, constantly supportive with just his presence. He never shamed me, he never questioned my sadness, he held my hand and helped lift me out of the mud I was drowning in. He stood unmoved, like a rock through it all and for that, I am forever grateful. He allowed me to have space and time to write, reflect and just sit in the stillness of my thoughts. I’m not like many others, I require more alone time than most, just to be quiet, this is where I breakthrough. 

He reminded me that I had a very important job at hand, to create life. Each doctor’s appointment gave me glimmers of hope, each visit to see this unborn soul inspired me to move forward. I cannot forget about the many friends I’ve met over the years from events and workshops, repeat customers, you all have helped lift me out of this feeling of hopelessness. 

As I head into my second trimester, I feel a newfound appreciation for the people in my life, and I am fully ready to create, teach and grow. I still have a bit of fear lingering around my mind about the direction I need to go. Today will mark the first day really back in the studio and I am terrified to be completely honest. When I am afraid I tend to avoid whatever is plaguing me or I march into the unknown head-on like the ram I am. Today I plan on marching forward. 

I wanted to share this brutally honest account because that’s just the person I am. I do not do this for reward or praise or sympathy I say it because it is the essence of my Soul. I say it because I hope someone else can relate and know that we all struggle in our own ways but that the sun is always right behind those stormy clouds. Life is not pure and utter joy at all times, if it were we wouldn’t truly appreciate the goodness that falls into our laps. It is full of ebbs and flows, it dips low only to soar high. There are some of us that think that our day will never come or that only bad things happen to me but that’s if we choose to only see it that way, we deny cracks of hope to pierce through, we deny the miracles of everyday life, we deny ourselves. I choose to live my life with a lighthearted curiosity of what if. May you live with the same openness to possibility.

Akela